Where does my heart beat now?

You know, I've been screwed by the opposite sex, more times than I can count. And I definitely don't mean sexually.
I've been told every lie, every story, every apology in the book. But it usually takes something serious before the chances run out. And its almost always another girl.
I've had my heart handed to me in pieces....sharp shards of miserable pain. The kind that makes you want to wear sweatpants to work (a HUGE thing for me, sweatpants in public). Eat a 1L tub of ice cream yourself. Make a voodoo doll of the guy that hurt you.
Thanks to technology, its easier than ever to catch someone in the act. Emails, texts, Facebook, Twitter. So naturally, when something looks suspicious. You go to the source. Now, it is wrong to poke around in someone's personal, tehnological business. But also, theres that little part of you that knows something ain't right. That something is off. A look, or maybe a flip remark. Maybe theres less of something. Or more of something that just makes your hair stand up.
I would think this feeling would be a well honed tool, in my aresenal, by now. But no matter what, I always want to see the good in people. I always want to give them a second or third or 400th chance.
You start at 100 with me. And I'll deduct slowly. No one really has to earn my love or friendship. Its just there for the taking. You'd think I would've learned to guard my heart. And I've always said hardened, bitchy girls get the best guys. And maybe thats why. They have to work for it. And if they're not willing, those girls are smart enough to get out.
I'm having my own ups and downs right now. Kind of at an impass. A communication breakdown and a nervous breakdown have pushed me to my ledge. I feel like I've lost myself somewhere. And I don't think I can make it alone anymore. But I want to be happy in love too.
I've never really needed anyone. I think alot of men want to rescue someone. And I've never needed to be rescued. I lack the damsel-in-distress quality.
I think too, I'm very easygoing. Maybe to the point where men think I plain don't care. I don't care if they're out covorting with women til all hours. But I really do. I just don't want him to resent me when I demand some "us" time. I feel guilty for expecting that he'll want some more time with me.
I've lost a big part of my personality. And I don't know if I can get it back. I'm scared. I'm broken. I'm tired. I'm depressed. And I HATE feeling like this. Its like being a teenager all over again. Except now, I can drown my sorrows in a bottle of red. Not that I'm saying thats a good thing. I will never recommend drinking over talking. Talking...I miss talking. Saying what you're feeling and why. Now its separate rooms. Moderate chit chat. And the odd text. 
I'm hurt.