Where does my heart beat now?

You know, I've been screwed by the opposite sex, more times than I can count. And I definitely don't mean sexually.
I've been told every lie, every story, every apology in the book. But it usually takes something serious before the chances run out. And its almost always another girl.
I've had my heart handed to me in pieces....sharp shards of miserable pain. The kind that makes you want to wear sweatpants to work (a HUGE thing for me, sweatpants in public). Eat a 1L tub of ice cream yourself. Make a voodoo doll of the guy that hurt you.
Thanks to technology, its easier than ever to catch someone in the act. Emails, texts, Facebook, Twitter. So naturally, when something looks suspicious. You go to the source. Now, it is wrong to poke around in someone's personal, tehnological business. But also, theres that little part of you that knows something ain't right. That something is off. A look, or maybe a flip remark. Maybe theres less of something. Or more of something that just makes your hair stand up.
I would think this feeling would be a well honed tool, in my aresenal, by now. But no matter what, I always want to see the good in people. I always want to give them a second or third or 400th chance.
You start at 100 with me. And I'll deduct slowly. No one really has to earn my love or friendship. Its just there for the taking. You'd think I would've learned to guard my heart. And I've always said hardened, bitchy girls get the best guys. And maybe thats why. They have to work for it. And if they're not willing, those girls are smart enough to get out.
I'm having my own ups and downs right now. Kind of at an impass. A communication breakdown and a nervous breakdown have pushed me to my ledge. I feel like I've lost myself somewhere. And I don't think I can make it alone anymore. But I want to be happy in love too.
I've never really needed anyone. I think alot of men want to rescue someone. And I've never needed to be rescued. I lack the damsel-in-distress quality.
I think too, I'm very easygoing. Maybe to the point where men think I plain don't care. I don't care if they're out covorting with women til all hours. But I really do. I just don't want him to resent me when I demand some "us" time. I feel guilty for expecting that he'll want some more time with me.
I've lost a big part of my personality. And I don't know if I can get it back. I'm scared. I'm broken. I'm tired. I'm depressed. And I HATE feeling like this. Its like being a teenager all over again. Except now, I can drown my sorrows in a bottle of red. Not that I'm saying thats a good thing. I will never recommend drinking over talking. Talking...I miss talking. Saying what you're feeling and why. Now its separate rooms. Moderate chit chat. And the odd text. 
I'm hurt.

Thats a paddlin'

So, I work in a customer service/retail environment, of sorts. Its not always busy. But I get alot of return customers. Which makes me feel good, because I know I'm doing a good job.
But inevitably, someone is going to bring in a screaming baby...an angry toddler...or a mouthy tween. The other day, for example. A woman and her sister came in. The one woman had a newborn. The other a boy about 8 or 9 years old. They wanted to do hand and footprints for Grandma. An early Christmas gift.
Now, anyone who knows me, knows I don't much care for children. And their tantrum throwing shennanigans. The baby fussed and cooed and for the most part was alright. The boy on the other hand...his mom bought him some decorations to paint, while we attempted to get the baby's prints done.
For about 20 minutes I heard, "Are you done yet?", "You're not even doing it right.", "I hate this.", "I hate you." For me, the kid needs something more than a soothing "We're almost done sweetheart." Or, "If you sit quietly I'll buy you a treat." Sometimes kids need to know that being a little a$$hole won't get you what you want. That patience is a virtue, and Rome wasn't built in a day...yadda yadda yadda.
I remember when we were kids, if we started to pitch a fit. My mom would pretend to call everyone over to watch. Or my dad saying he would sell us to the gypsies. But also, we got spanked. I had my mouth washed out with soap. Not pleasant. But not the end of the world. And as fas as I know, I'm not a sociopath or murderer because of it. I straightened up, and probably tried, whatever I was being punished for, again. Cuz, you know, you gotta try. But what is this pacifier parenting trend? Raise your voice! Get mad! Give the kid a swat!
If I see one more kid throw a fit, I might just creat a time out box at work. Cuz crying and pleading and bargaining and screaming has no effect on me. Cry yourself hoarse, ya little so and so. It won't change my mind. I can wrestly a 2000lb animal to the ground. What chance do you think you have?

UNFRIENDED

So, I know that Facebook was the be all/end all of social networking for a while. Then Twitter came along, and people's worlds came crashing down.
But the thing that always makes me laugh, about both sites, is unfriending/un-following (probably not a word). I have, actually, had people stop talking to me after unfriending them. Or gotten a nasty text related to the loss of being able to creep my Facebook status. And sometimes, the odd time, I'll add someone from public school. Maybe chat a few times. But if I'm going to end up hiding all their posts. I might as well just take them off the list. And really, do you need 700 friends? Unless you're some kind of business. Maybe you're networking, and making contacts. I really don't see the need. And if I haven't thought about you in the last 10 years, why should I be bothered with you now? I've managed to keep my friends list under 60 for about 6 months now. I've added a few random people. But eventually they get deleted.
My boyfriend loves the Twitter. Sometimes I think he has a better relationship with it than me. He loves getting new "followers". And is highly disappointed when he loses one. Like "What could I have done to lose their favour?" Who gives a rats ass...really. So one lonely teenager in cyber space, doesn't want to see pictures of a sandwich you made. Or the beer you're having at a business meeting.
I think people that connect have voyeuristic parts of their personality, they don't like to admit to. They can indulge at home, in their underwear, without looking like a creep. They can stalk your photos, your habits, your moves throughout the day. Girlfriends and boyfriends can monitor activity. Parents can stay in the know. The ex (you know, the one that got away), can see how "great you're doing" without them.
Any ways, the whole business of social media perplexes me. Remember when people had to pound the pavement...pick up a phone...put ads in the newspaper? Do people actually BUY newspapers anymore? I mean, you can read it for free, online. Why would you shell out a dollar, or more, for something you can get for free on your phone/laptop/iPad/iPod/left on the train?


So, if you're up there Super Man....SAVE US!

I got your candy...right here!

I'm gonna start my first rant/bitch/observation, with Halloween.

Granted, when I was a kid I thought, "Man, all I have to do is put on a garbage bag. Call myself white trash. And people will give me free candy?" Now that I think about it, it's just a pedophile's wet dream.

On any given night, I could go to a bar and find some 17 year old, half dressed and done up like a Mexican prostitute. But to see some of the costumes 10 and 12 year olds were wearing...did your Mommy pick that out for you? I don't think a 9 year old should be dressed as a sexy nurse. Hell, some 40 year olds shouldn't either. If I see one more generously proportioned woman, spilling out of a corset...I may have to punch a kitten. Ya, an adorable, baby cat, right in the face.

Halloween has become another excuse to get loaded, and send the kids out to roam the streets. Halloween used to be about pagan worship (or something like that). And now, the kids have upped the candy ante. Getting an apple, or a small tube of toothpaste was always my favourite let down. Like the yellow sweater at Christmas (don't get me started on that one). Its a Hallmark holiday, designed for candy companies, and dentists to line their pockets.

T McB